I took a class with Coordinators2, an adoption agency, on talking with your child about adoption when our oldest, Joselyn, was really young. It made me aware of how young a child will be when he or she will start to have questions. Since then I pick up everything that’s related to talking about adoption. I’ve learned about the importance of starting early and not waiting until they come to you with questions.

At night sometimes, when I would rock my girls in my arms, I’d tell them how happy we were that we adopted them — even though they didn’t understand what we were saying. On Joselyn’s second birthday, after everyone had left, I said, “I bet your birth mom is thinking about you today.” She might not have known what I was saying, but it got her used to positive adoption language.

We have also tried to create an open and honest environment so the girls can feel free to talk about their feelings related to adoption. We have a lot of friends who have recently had babies, so the girls have seen women with big bellies. A few months ago they wanted to play being born, and I said, “Well, you know, you didn’t grow in my tummy, you grew in your birth mom, Mayra’s, and she gave birth to you.” It’s important that children know they entered the world just like everyone else. I thought, what a great teaching moment. Each took their turn going under my shirt and waited to be “born.” When each one pretended to be born, I pretended to be their birth mom and said, “I love you so much, but I really can’t take care of you right now. Can you go stay with a foster family?” Then, I pretended that their daddy and I were filling out paperwork at home, and that we were so excited when we got the word that we could go to Guatemala and meet them. It was really neat because they came up with the idea and I just added to it.

At different developmental stages, they’ll want to know more, especially once they start school. I offered to talk about adoption and differences at their preschool.

One day our youngest, Elena, said, “You can’t be my mommy, we don’t have the same color skin.” And I matter-of-factly said, “Mommies and kids don’t have to have the same color skin.” And I brought out the Choco* book. I didn’t want to make more of it than need be.

It’s important for both parents to be on the same page. You have to have a good balance of adoption talk. Sometimes Dwayne, my husband, thinks I talk about it too much and he reins me in. It definitely needs to be a continuing effort of communication between partners and as parents of children who join their family through adoption.  — As told to Sarah K. McDonald

Cristal Lake-Sanders coordinates Adoptive Families Del Sol, a support/play group for families who have adopted or are in the process of adopting from Latin America; she also coordinates a support group through the mid-Atlantic region of RESOLVE for couples exploring adoption.